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Let it all out

So this "Holy Conversation" series has really resonated with me, especially with my current season of life. 

Like so many stories and testimonies we have heard these last couple of weeks, I too come from a heritage of Christ-following.  I can remember being 3 years old and hearing my grandmother singing hymns while hand washing dishes.  I can still feel her sweet and pleasant spirit and recall her daily quiet times that seemed to go on for hours.   I grew up in a family that loves the Lord.  My parents were ever faithful to take me to church, honored God in their discipline and made me feel so loved.  I walked the aisle/prayed the prayer at age 8 at church camp and was baptized the next year.  It was all so natural (and boring!)  Those first steps as a Christian were nothing in comparison to what I have experienced in my entire life as a Christ-follower, specifically in the last year.

Some of you know that I am struggling with some unexplained fertility issues.  Another part of my life that you probably don't know is that so far, I've been pretty spoiled.  I had no real difficulty landing a (handsome, intelligent, and strong )husband, getting my credentials, and becoming gainfully employed all before turning 25.  And all those things are blessings that I am so thankful for.  But attaining those goals gave me a false sense of security and personal strength.  I had become self-reliant.  I could do anything I wanted!  After graduate school we finally decided we were ready to move from training wheels (dogs) to the real deal (a baby!).  Within the first month of trying, we got a positive pregnancy test!  I couldn't believe it!  I had done it again! I was so crafty that I made a person!   Three days and a negative test later, I miscarried.  I was devastated.  I had an impending feeling of "This is it.  This is going to be my testimony." 

For the next several months we kept trying, hoping, praying with no results.  I was so hurt and confused.  I kept this secret of miscarriage and our trials all to myself.  And it festered.  The ugly cycle of hope and sadness, hope and sadness with no one to share it with. I decided to start telling people about our recent struggles and when I did it was like weights were being lifted, one by one off of my heavy heart.  The process of trying unsuccessfully was still hard, but I knew that my family and friends supported me and it made me feel comfort. 

So, we're still not pregnant, and that's okay.  It's still hard and I'm not always positive. However, God has shown me so much grace and has fostered a reliance on Him that I would not have if I hadn't gone through this trial. I know he is faithful and feel Him working in my life. I tell you all this for two reasons:

1) I am a full believer that your testimony is ongoing.  Now that I am going through this difficult time in my life, I can testify to God's goodness in the midst of my pain. My faith is strengthened knowing that if God can see me through this, then he will help me with even greater trials that are yet to come. God continues to move in all of our lives and will until we see Him again.

2)If you are going through a hard time, I know that it is easy to want to hold it inside and not let anyone know that you have a problem.  But it hinders your healing.  I pray that you allow others to share in your burden and God's community of faith to reach out to you and make you feel loved.  It has healing powers-no lie!

This has been my anthem for the last year.  Give it a listen. 

"You say, "I know that this will hurt.  But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.  When the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

1 Peter 5:6-10

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."